City Weekly’s copy editor tries his hand at divination—but are his predictions accurate? Only time will tell.

The cards never lie. Well, that is, unless you lose control of the deck while shuffling and they end up all over the floor. Then the cards lie—not lay—on the carpet.

It’s the job of a copy editor to make such piddling distinctions—and to bear the wrath of militant grammarians who write angry letters every time small errors of syntax or punctuation go to press. This week, however, I’ve been allowed to slip the surly bonds of The Associated Press Stylebook and turn my attention to more spooky and ethereal matters: The I Ching, Runes and other divinatory tomes.

Through these, mystics throughout history have earnestly sought to foretell events yet to come—and charlatans have cynically endeavored to bilk many a gullible victim. During this exercise, I’ve tried to stay more on the “earnest mystic” side of the fence so as not to anger the spirits and suffer the fate in Hollywood ghost stories of all who dabble in the occult—they end up possessed, struck by lightning or burnt to a crisp. Still, if any readers care to slip me a $50, I’ll be happy to consult the oracle on their behalf.

City Weekly asked some real psychics if they’d answer some questions of local import about the year to come. Can I do any worse than they? Undoubtedly. But, who knows? Maybe I’ll strike psychic gold. Here are Swami Brandonanda’s predictions for 2007:

What sort of bumps in the road does Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney’s presidential bid face? Any new scandals?

Method: I Ching.

Result: Hexagram 16 (Yu), with no changing lines: “In this state, feudal princes and other delegates may be set up, and the hosts put in motion, with advantage.”

Prediction: “Feudal princes?” “Delegates?” Looks like Romney’s ambitions to be No. 1 Big Cheese aren’t written in The Book of Changes this time around! Still, after he bows out of the race, he could curry favor with the real Republican candidate by donating his war chest to the presidential campaign, setting him up for a cabinet appointment should a Republican—spirits forefend!—win in 2008.

Interestingly, though, another symbol for this hexagram is the elephant. Once the GOP realizes how far to the right of mainstream American thought it’s placed itself, it’ll want to shake things up and put a slippery little bugger in charge—one who can manage to be both for and against just about anything. So I predict Romney will get the nod for RNC chairman. Not bad, Mitt!

Will LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley receive a revelation in 2007 that would allow full church membership to gays and lesbians?

Method: Runes

Result: Raido: “To ride; motion, a journey; transport or communication.”

Prediction: “Journey” could, of course, denote a spiritual journey—which in this case makes sense. The entire church seems to be journeying from a place where it tortured its gay and lesbian members with electrical devices to its present state: torturing its gay and lesbian members with ill-founded psychological treatments. This is progress.

Still, I don’t recommend that any gay man or lesbian should belong—and contribute money—to an organization that strenuously opposes equal rights for gay men and lesbians. There may be hope, however: If this rune also denotes communication, we can expect more from LDS Church leadership on this topic come spring General Conference. My prediction: After discovering a trusted assistant is gay—sort of a Mr. Burns and Smithers situation—President Hinckley will have a change of heart on the whole subject of homosexuality. He will announce in April that members should accept monogamous gay and lesbian couples in full fellowship.

What will Rocky’s new job be?

Method: Stichomancy using George Orwell’s 1984.

Result: “The route she gave him was quite different from the one by which he had come, and brought him out at a different railway station. ‘Never go home the same way as you went out,’ she said, as though enunciating an important general principle. She would leave first, and Winston was to wait half an hour before following her.”

Prediction: The reference in this passage to the London Underground, and to public transportation in general, is unmistakable: The Democrats will win the White House in 2008 and Rocky will be appointed Secretary of the U.S. Department of Transportation. He’ll develop the country’s antiquated rail systems, providing incentives for light-rail construction in cities nationwide, and thus reduce the country’s dependence on oil and the need for unsightly and environmentally catastrophic freeway-and-road expansion.

Speaking of not going out the way he came in, a 2010 midterm reappointment to Secretary of the Interior means water bottles will be banned not only from public meetings but also in national parks and on all forms of public transportation.

Brandon Burt lives in the present. He may be your friend, but he is not your Psychic Friend, and he is possessed only by the love of a well-placed apostrophe.

Source: Salt Lake City Weekly

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 4th, 2007 at 6:50 am and is filed under Divination. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.